Lost for a Day

It feels terrible, when you suddenly realize you don’t know who you are anymore. It’s weird. Last month I could tell you who I was, what made me tick, the things I really hate, what I was meant to do with my life. But now, everything’s so clouded I can’t even see myself.

It’s like floating in space, no up and no down, everything looking the same. That’s when you just want to close your eyes and wait for some planet or other heavenly body to pull you over, to give you direction, to let you know where your feet should be.

I think too much, I know I do. Sometimes I wish I could live my life with the kind of reckless abandon that would let me live in the present, oblivious to the shadows of the past and the future.

Yes, maybe that’s how I should mold myself—a creature of the now, of fleeting pleasures, of spontaneous dreams. I should rip tomorrow out of my consciousness, because tomorrow can be as painful as the past. This way I won’t need direction… I won’t need to chart a path for myself, a trajectory that I should follow.

I can enjoy floating disoriented in space, not seeing the vast blackness stretching before me, but instead observing the beauty of the myriad stars.

But I laugh at myself as I think all this, because I know it takes a certain kind of person to be reckless and free, and I know it’s not me.

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Hmmm… “Rantings of an idiot engineer made more stupid by constant exposure to the sun’s heat” is what I’ll call this entry tomorrow. ~Laugh~ Really, just seeing all these in writing has greatly improved my mood =)